Guten Tag, Reader,

Germany is a country whose people know a thing or two about borders. Last week, I was hiking in the Rhön UNESCO Biosphere Reserve. Standing in Bavaria, we looked across the vast landscape of fields, forests, and volcanic hills into Thuringia, formerly East Germany.

Today, I was hiking along the Limes, the northernmost border of the Roman Empire. Mostly, the forest has reclaimed the old forts, palisades, and watchtowers, but some communities rebuilt what research helps to imagine.

While I enjoy random history lessons, I don’t typically deliver them inside my Joy Letters. What does a country divided by border walls have to do with joy?

Well, as I stood in the forest that had reclaimed an old Roman fort, I started thinking about boundaries and the protection of joy.

Boundaries for Joy Protection

Many of my clients are resistant when I tell them that boundaries are less about other people’s behavior than about OUR consequences when that behavior occurs.

The East German government didn’t just tell the West, “We really like our communism, please don’t come over here with your capitalist ideas.”*

There were investments in planning, resources, and commitment. There was clear messaging: “Don’t cross or else…”

There were consequences for anyone who tested the strength of this boundary.

Trying to discern the crumbled remains of the Roman fort among the moss, the roots, the rocks, I paused and approached the thorny wild blackberry bushes and the stinging nettle (other beings have established softer, wilder boundaries).

I remembered taking a stance toward alcoholism.

There was a moment when I stopped asking pleading with the alcoholic in my life to quit so that we could be happy again; I built the courage to say, “If you drink again, I will leave this relationship behind so that I can be happy.”

Reader, I am not making a case for border walls; I am inviting you to consider the measures you are willing to take to protect your values, your peace, and your joy from outside influences.

I wonder…

Instead of telling your family to please leave you alone during your morning coffee, how will YOU react when someone enters your space because they can’t find the car keys?

Instead of trying to convince your inner critic that you will keep embroidering even if your French knot isn’t perfect, how will YOU handle the asshat comments from inside your own head that your work is bad and that nobody needs your embroidery and that you should do something useful instead?

Instead of asking your alcoholic spouse to please stop drinking, what are YOU going to do if you find another bottle behind the sofa cushion?

I know that’s not what my clients want to hear, and I have a hunch that you aren’t happy about this right now either. Yet more work that WE need to do! Not just defining our boundaries, but the consequences of an infringement, too.

Not telling others to please stop doing the thing, but rather being clear with yourself (and perhaps them)** of how we will respond if they do.

That’s why we need to be discerning about our boundaries, Reader.

Which ones are the most worthy of safeguarding?

Which ones do you need to protect to move toward a life that’s meaningful?

Which boundary does your joy need you to uphold at all cost?

And which ones are simply about an annoyance you’d rather not have or, perhaps, which battles do you simply not have the resources to keep fighting?

The Invitation

This week, pick one simple low-stakes boundary (say, not defending communism from capitalism) and define your consequence. Then practice.***

And find serenity in the knowledge that your joy may not require stiff walls and guard towers. In fact, the Roman Empire fell. The Berlin Wall came down. But do you know who’s still growing on the remnants of it all?

The nettle and the blackberry with their unique protections from outside meddlers.

Could rewilding your joy be a measure of protection?

What might that look like?

I will see you back here in two weeks. If you liked this letter, why not forward it to a friend?

Liebe Grüße,

P.S. Finish the sentence: “The boundary I keep struggling to uphold is…” Just shoot me a quick message, and I’ll have a few pointers for you.

* Nor was it able to simply convince its people that its values, culture, and economy were the best. They had to lock their people in.

** I have boundaries that the potential crossers don’t even need to know about. I just don’t pick up the phone after a certain time or simply say “no” when a particular thing is asked of me.

*** Especially in complicated family or workplace dynamics, consequences can be incredibly hard to carry out. Your system will try to protect your life before it lets you protect your joy. That’s why I suggest practicing with low-stakes things. Expanding your comfort zone rather than shattering it.

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